pokerface030886's Xanga

Hello, Good friend

Sat, 29 Aug 2009 15:59:13 GMT

I read through some old comments of yours today. And it made me wonder where you are. What's happening in your life? You see, i never met you. The only image i have is one you posted as your picture a while back. But, you were always such a great encouragement to me and you were over 1,000 miles away. I don't know why the Lord has put you on my heart...it's been almost 2 years since i've heard from you. But, He did. So, this is for you.

I hope everything is going great for you. I hope your safe. I hope your blessed. I hope you're happy. Thank you for your service to our country. Thank you for the many times you've been a friend to me. I'm glad I met you, even if i never really did meet you. You made an impact obviously.

I hope you get to read this one day. Wherever you are. Whatever your doing. And i hope it encourages you the way you've encouraged me in the past. Know that i'm praying for you. And i hope that one day our paths will cross again.

May the grace and peace of the Lord surround you throughout your life!

Be blessed, brother.

Ashley

Newton's Three Laws of (E)Motion

Thu, 27 Aug 2009 01:25:49 GMT

That's the title that popped up when i went to enter something for the title...so, i'm sticking with it.

It's been 5 months since ive written on this. It makes me sad. I don't like that i have negected my old friend.

And i'll leave it at that for now...

Except...for old times sake...how about a song

If i ever write this letter

Oh the pages i could write

But i dont know where to send it

You have vanished

Heaven knows where you live

Heaven only knows

If i ever write this letter

Bitter words it would contain

Just an unrequited lover

Wishing she had never spoken your name

Never known your name

If i ever write this letter

The truth it would reveal

Knowing you brought me pleasure

How i'll often treasure

The moments we knew

The precious, The few

Monday, March 30, 2009

Mon, 30 Mar 2009 13:33:42 GMT

Some would agree with me that the best thoughts really do come in the earliest hours of the morning. Since I don't have internet at my house, this isn't actually being posted in the early hours of the morning, but is instead being copied from my journal at the library at hcc. I'm reminded of a song, well, a few lines from a song. "The questions run so deep when it's 2 in the morning. I should be lost in sleep, but in my mind I am sorting all the things that i can't explain. And why so many suffer in pain? Where's the answer?"

It was an eye opening weekend. To be honest, I went into it not really expecting much and came out of it with more than i could have imagined.

The past few months have been so trying. Sometimes, i would look at myself in the mirror and try to find me, or i'd close my eyes at night and search for the person i knew i was all the while trying to figure out who it was i left in my place.

I've been mad at God, mad ay myself, mad at those who seemed to have it all together while i sat in my own little world that seemed to be falling apart at the seems into shambles that i couldn't piece back together quick enough. My faith was miniscule. The idea of going to youth councils while i felt so lost didn't seem reassuring, but instead seemed exhausting. People cry at youth councils. And though I'm not much of a cryer, unless it comes to praise and worship, it's just what happens at youth councils. I didn't really know if i had the strength to keep on a happy face.

You see, the reason i'm not a cryer is because i'm really good at facades. I am a pro at making anyone believe I am ok. With the right amount of inflection and tone, "I'm Good" can sound convincing. Everyone would believe it. Everyone except for myself that is. And God.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that i'm not ok. i'm not "good!" In fact, i'm pretty broken. Weak. I have so much on my plate and feel overwhelmed by it all. Bills that are due, past due, or will soon be due that i don't know how i will pay for. People that I am afraid to dissapoint. I can't help but ask what am i doing wrong? Am i not tithing enough? Am I not praying enough? Am i not reading my bible the correct way? Am i not involved enough at the corps?

During the dance Bobby and Ed did on sunday morning, the Lord really spoke to me. That was me up there. Doing the whole run away from God thing and then asking where he was. I've been chaining myself down with all the worry, the doubt, the bitterness, refusing to just let go. In an economy where you don't know how many hours you'll be working or whether or not you'll even have a job come next week, it's difficult to just let go. Putting finances in the Lords hands and trusting that he can, will, and wants to provide is something i am struggling to do.

On saturday night, me and my wonderful roomate went to the altar and prayed. She reminded me to remember all the times before that God has provided for me and to trust in what i know he can do.

We sang amazing grace on sunday, and the power of the Holy Spirit was so strong. We didn't sing the last verse of the song, but it has recently come to my mind.

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow
The sun forbear to shine
But God, Who called me here below
Will be forever mine
Will be forever mine
You are forever mine

I'm broke as dirt. Yes. I'm scared, angry, anxious...but, i am beginning to trust. God is forever mine. He is always here. And, he never lets go.And that's something worth trusting. I don't know what the future holds, but i know that it's not to big for my God. I am my biggest obstacle when it comes to surrender. So, if i can just get out of my own way,then the Lord can work in me and through me.

I cry out for FREEDOM!!! For VICTORY!!! I cry out for willingness to surrender even the darkest, deepest, heaviest things i hold onto.

Lord, you must increase and I must decrease.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Sat, 14 Feb 2009 00:20:02 GMT

Oh...My dear Xanga...How I have neglected you!!!

I do apologize!!!

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Sat, 13 Dec 2008 17:57:53 GMT

Lately, when i have gotten the inspiration to blog, i have been pulling out my notable quotables book filled with quotes from some of the Army's greatest leaders. I usually open to a page, and the first quote that pops out at me is the one i go with. Today, i opened to the Uniform quotes (Which i think is a subject Jaime Reifer has recently blogged on as well...) and got this one by Frances Booth...

"The soldier who is only willing to wear uniform when at the meetings, and in the presence of Salvationists, is as much an anomaly as would be a military soldier only willing to wear uniform when on parade."

Convicting stuff. Who is guilty of running straight home to change out of their uniform before going out to eat on sundays? I know I am. We all do it. But what if we required all those faithful uniform wearing soldiers to not only wear their uniforms proudly on sunday mornings or special events, where they are usually surrounded by other soldiers, but to wear them to restaurants, to school, to the places where we are out of our element when it comes to being a salvationist? Who would still be faithful in doing this?

I think maybe we are confused. And don't take that wrong. I think wearing uniform to church is great and good...but, maybe our focus is out of place?

Frances Booth calls it an anomaly. An anomaly is defined as deviation from the normal or common order or form or rule. What is the Norm in the Army? Do we have it wrong? Most people i ask will say we wear our uniforms because they are easily recognizable. In another quote, Mrs. Booth says that the uniform was introduced so that the man in the street should know the Salvationist, so that the salvationist, wherever he went, should be labeled as set apart for Jesus, marked as one eager to pray and help others.

How easily recognizable is our uniform? I can speak for myself when i say that the majority of the time, i am mistaken for a flight attendant, and not a salvationist, when i wear my uniform outside of the Salvation Army. And that is not the Norm.

Another question, why do we wear the uniform?

And another quote...

"The uniform of the Salvation Army is not intended to isolate its wearer from other people, but is rather the dress of a servant of all. It does not reply a rebuke to sinners, but rather a loving greeting from the heavenly father. It is no claim to superiority and no attempt to proclaim salvationism as a condition of salvation, but is a testimony about the grace of God in Christ."

I once saw a salvationist drink alcohol while in their uniform...and it broke my heart. What does our uniform portray to those on the outside? Is it just something we throw on just anyone so they can join the band or sing in songsters? Is it something we wear because it makes us superior to those who aren't salvationist? Something we wear to fit in or to all look the same? No...it is so much more than that.

My fear is that the uniform has become a legalistic act in the army and has lost it's true meaning. And when i say this, i say this not trying to judge anyone, but from my own conviction in my heart. I am just as guilty as the next.

The uniform was not designed merely to secure outward uniformity. The uniform, like any other distinguishable mark of the Salvation Army, was designed to be an expression of our great soul saving purpose.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Mon, 10 Nov 2008 01:54:04 GMT

"Some oficers seem to be thinking of themselves, their reputation, reward, and appreciation, instead of realizing that the battle is at the gates, and going forward in the fight. What can we hope from officers who regard their work as a ladder by which they can mount to distinction and a place of comparative ease?"
-Power of Salvation Army Officers
Florence Booth

I got this quote out of a book of notable quotes from Salvation Army literature, and I love it.

I've been thinking about officership lately. Makes sense seeing as I am a prospective candidate. I've been thinking about humility in officership, or as a cadet training to become an officer.

You know what i hope to see one day...a Divisional Commander at a youth councils sitting in the tenth row amongst a group of kids he does not know. A commisioner praying with a drunken, smelly homeless man at the Holiness Table, a corps officer washing his soldiers feet. Servanthood. Humility. Unity within our corps. Because as much as we want to believe every Salvation Army corps out there is unified, the sad truth is a lot of us are not.

Someone use to tell me I should marry a blue blood within the Salvation Army so that I can be sure to know I will always have "good" appointments and all the perks that come along with being a blue blood.

First of all, the idea that there are actually blue bloods within the army pains me. Secondly, to think that this person believes that where I am stationed as an officer and what perks I may get are important to me makes me want to puke.

I will not be defined by my appointment, my rank, or anything except that which is pleasing to My God and Savior.

Our orders and Regulations state that "An officer is first of all the servant of all"

James 2 verses 1-4 say this..."My brothers, as believers in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ, don't show favoritism. 2Suppose a man comes into your meeting wearing a gold ring and fine clothes, and a poor man in shabby clothes also comes in. 3If you show special attention to the man wearing fine clothes and say, "Here's a good seat for you," but say to the poor man, "You stand there" or "Sit on the floor by my feet," 4have you not discriminated among yourselves and become judges with evil thoughts? "

I believe unity can come. I believe it will, when we have learned to humble ourselves.

"Genuine Holiness will find its expression in unrewarded service to the last, the least, and the lost."
- Frederick Coutts

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Thu, 06 Nov 2008 00:43:31 GMT

I didn't vote for Obama. In Fact, there are a lot of things he stood for that I do not like. Things that make me wonder how the next four years are going to go in this country.

But...there's always a but...

The fact that our country has overcome issues of race and injustice over these past few decades to get to a place where a black man can be elected as president is truly amazing. And I applaud us on that.

However...there's always a however too...

The focus here can not merely be that he is a black man. And I do fear that the reason he won is because of that. But i do pray that that is not the case. I am treading very carefully with this because i do not want to give off the impression that I think any less of him because of that. That is in no way the case.

My hope is that young people, actually, anyone who voted for him, black or white, voted for the right reasons. And, Like Senator McCain said in his speech last night, I pray that our country will come together in unity. Republicans, Democrats, Independents, whoever...That we will stand by each other in these hard times that our country is facing.

Those who know me well know that I am a supporter of President Bush. And one of the things i always said is that I felt like there was very little respect for the man as our president. I pray, for me especially, that those of us who did not vote for Obama will still support him in prayer and with respect as the new leader of our country. Trust me when i say this is something i know I will struggle with. But i feel like it is something that needs to be done.

I end with this...Fix your eyes to the Cross. No matter who leads here on earth, our Heavenly King will always rule in our lives. The most trustworthy of leaders, the most Holy King. May He be forever praised!

Our God Reigns

Our God Reigns

Forever Your Kingdom Reigns!

Monday, November 03, 2008

Mon, 03 Nov 2008 22:25:24 GMT

So, i had a weird day. I don't know how to explain it...it was just weird.

But i pulled out a box today with different forms of cards, mostly b day ones, and other notes from days past. And i found the one we got at the war college...the one that everyone wrote on at the end of the year and the wonderful Katie Robertson (I think??) decorated...you know the one im talking about.

It blows my mind, well, God Blows my mind (In a completely Awesome way) at how He can us old encouragements to bless me....this note is two years old. And it meant a completely different thing to me when I first read it than it did when i read it today.

PTL! (H)

I needed the encouragement...thanks again guys!

I may have lost my way...But i havent forgotten my way home

Mon, 03 Nov 2008 02:02:45 GMT

Whenever i can't think of what to blog, i usually tell myself to write what I feel. In the past this has proven both helpful and damaging.

I don't feel very vulnerable and open tonight.

I actually don't feel much of anything right now. Been in a slump the past day or two. Just merely existing. Passing through.

Maybe i know why. But like i said...i don't wanna talk about it. I know that's not the additude to have. But I really don't want to talk about it right now...maybe later.

I wish i was a spy. Maybe i've watched to much alias the past 3 days. Oh to be Sydney Bristow right now. Fighting villians, driving fast, and looking gorgeous the whole time.

I thought about someone this week in a way that i havent thought about in a good while. All those old feelings came rushing back in. It's weird when that happens. And what triggers those memories is even weirder.

I feel like i'm barely holding on. Is that to vulnerable? Did i just do what I said I wouldn't.

The Broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time
And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm holdin on)(I'm holdin on)
I'm barely holding on to you

The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose
They're still looking for life

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
Is there healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on

I'm barely holding on to you

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what, you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on, to the words you say
You said that I will, will be okay
The broken light on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
But I haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
Barely holdin on to you

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Wed, 29 Oct 2008 21:34:29 GMT

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I’m caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won’t turn back
I know You are near

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We’ll live to know You here on the earth

Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You