Someone told me it took her 4 years...4 years??? I can't be here for 4 years. I just can't.

Change. I think years down the road when I look back at 2012, that's going to be the loud, resonating theme in my head. And it's leaving a bitter taste in my mouth. Not necessarily because I don't like change. That's not the problem. But I think when you get too much of it at once...it can be incredibly overwhelming.

Things have changed since this new year rolled around. And it doesn't feel like they are ever going to stop. It's like this massive tornado that seems to have swallowed me up. Everyone else is moving forward, and i'm stuck here, waiting for the storm to pass and spit me out onto solid ground.

My life isn't anything like I expected it to be. I was the girl who had it all. And I don't say that in a conceited way at all. Because my all is completely different from everyone elses. I had my all. I usually hate New Years. A few crappy years will do that to you. But this year, surrounded by amazing friends, when i sipped that champagne and sent out that "Happy New Year!!" or "I love you" text...It really did seem as if the tide had turned and 2012 was going to be a year to remember. Well...I guess it's still a year to remember. Just not the memories I was hoping for.

People tell me it gets better...that we eventually look back and realize there was purpose in it. But what if this is as good as I will ever get?

I'm so happy for my friends...I'm so happy that they are finding "it", whatever that may be for them. Jobs. New families. Weddings. Opportunities. Love. But sometimes I want to stand on a table and scream...and that's so selfish of me.

I was so close. Maybe the word Almost should sit right next to the word Change for me in my photo album of 2012.

Almost...

Change...

...sigh...

It's been a while...

Haven't sat in a cafe and blogged in a very long time. Partly because it seems all my blogs in the past few months have been drawn out of me at night, during a time of emotional crisis or have been a copy and paste type thing from whatever devotional spoke to me that day. It's been a while since I've just sat and wrote...about whatever really. 

I like cafes. Everyone has a story. The guy to my left is drinking an ice coffee...black. It takes a certain kind of person to be able to drink iced coffee black. This guy has lived a lot of life. At least...that's the way it looks. Probably middle class. A hard working man. Family oriented. Dry humor. (that last one is probably an interpretation) 

The guy on my right...Young. Driven. Stunningly handsome. An activist. Republican (Not an interpretation) He looks like someone with whom you can have a deep conversation that in the end will expand your point of view in ways you never thought possible. My favorite thing...he's wearing flip flops. Easy going. 

I could go on about everyone in here. But the point is...we're surrounded by stories every day. Everyone we meet has something about them that they would share. Something that makes them...them. Something that is a skeleton in a closet hidden away for God knows how long. How much more interesting would life be if we took the time to hear the stories of strangers?

Guy to my right...Polite as well. 

Back to my strawberry fields iced tea. 

Out of the wreck I rise...

God does not keep His child immune from trouble; He promises, “I will be with him in trouble . . .” (Psalm 91:15). It doesn’t matter how real or intense the adversities may be; nothing can ever separate him from his relationship to God. “In all these things we are more than conquerors . . .” (Romans 8:37). Paul was not referring here to imaginary things, but to things that are dangerously real. And he said we are “super-victors” in the midst of them, not because of our own ingenuity, nor because of our courage, but because none of them affects our essential relationship with God in Jesus Christ. I feel sorry for the Christian who doesn’t have something in the circumstances of his life that he wishes were not there.

“Shall tribulation . . . ?” Tribulation is never a grand, highly welcomed event; but whatever it may be— whether exhausting, irritating, or simply causing some weakness— it is not able to “separate us from the love of Christ.” Never allow tribulations or the “cares of this world” to separate you from remembering that God loves you (Matthew 13:22).

“Shall . . . distress . . . ?” Can God’s love continue to hold fast, even when everyone and everything around us seems to be saying that His love is a lie, and that there is no such thing as justice?

“Shall . . . famine . . . ?” Can we not only believe in the love of God but also be “more than conquerors,” even while we are being starved?

Either Jesus Christ is a deceiver, having deceived even Paul, or else some extraordinary thing happens to someone who holds on to the love of God when the odds are totally against him. Logic is silenced in the face of each of these things which come against him. Only one thing can account for it— the love of God in Christ Jesus. “Out of the wreck I rise” every time.

I had a moment last night as I was preparing for bed. I don't do well with silence. Never have. Especially not at night. And especially not these past 3 months. My typical routine has been to find a movie I know I won't get invested in and to fall asleep to it. That way there was no time for my brain to start thinking and processing everything. But really, I was avoiding the possibility that God might want to speak to me. Because for some reason...i was afraid of what he might say.

Last night, after me and my roommates did our scripture reading together, I went to my room and began my usual routine. Then it happened. I couldn't do it. I couldn't put that distraction on because before I even got a chance, Jesus was there telling me not to. I debated it for a few minutes, then finally gave in and turned off the lights without the comfort of my usual background noise. 

We talked. Well, I talked. About a lot. But I never felt once that he wasn't listening. Or didn't care. Or was going to smite me for my disobedience. 

One of the biggest realizations for me, though, was one of the most painful to confess. I've spent a lot of time mourning the loss of an "earthly relationship", but absolutely no time at all mourning the loss of my relationship with Jesus. Somewhere along the way, a long time ago, I neglected it and have been neglecting it ever since. It's funny because if I had committed that offense against one of my friends or my best friend or if someone had done that to me, I would have a very hard time forgiving them and they would have a hard time forgiving me. But Jesus...he was there and he was listening and he was forgiving without a question asked. 

I woke up this morning and my spirit felt light. I woke up this morning and the first thing I wanted to do was commune with Jesus. I woke up this morning, and for the first time in 3 months, I felt joy to be awake. I felt excited about life.