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| I had a moment last night as I was preparing for bed. I don't do well with silence. Never have. Especially not at night. And especially not these past 3 months. My typical routine has been to find a movie I know I won't get invested in and to fall asleep to it. That way there was no time for my brain to start thinking and processing everything. But really, I was avoiding the possibility that God might want to speak to me. Because for some reason...i was afraid of what he might say. Last night, after me and my roommates did our scripture reading together, I went to my room and began my usual routine. Then it happened. I couldn't do it. I couldn't put that distraction on because before I even got a chance, Jesus was there telling me not to. I debated it for a few minutes, then finally gave in and turned off the lights without the comfort of my usual background noise. We talked. Well, I talked. About a lot. But I never felt once that he wasn't listening. Or didn't care. Or was going to smite me for my disobedience. One of the biggest realizations for me, though, was one of the most painful to confess. I've spent a lot of time mourning the loss of an "earthly relationship", but absolutely no time at all mourning the loss of my relationship with Jesus. Somewhere along the way, a long time ago, I neglected it and have been neglecting it ever since. It's funny because if I had committed that offense against one of my friends or my best friend or if someone had done that to me, I would have a very hard time forgiving them and they would have a hard time forgiving me. But Jesus...he was there and he was listening and he was forgiving without a question asked. I woke up this morning and my spirit felt light. I woke up this morning and the first thing I wanted to do was commune with Jesus. I woke up this morning, and for the first time in 3 months, I felt joy to be awake. I felt excited about life. | | |
| I love the girls I live my life with. Do we have our ups and downs...of course. But the moments we spend together...the laughter, the tears, the crazy adventures...they just remind me of how blessed I am to be surrounded by such support. Leaving them in January to move across the world is going to be one of the hardest things I will ever do. I wish I could take them all with me in my suitcase. But I also very much look forward to new things. New friends. New places. Some old friends who are very dearly missed. It's going to be good. Life is meant to be lived...so, that's what i'm doing. Living. I'm young...ish. Why waste my youth? Why not take plans that came crashing down on me and turn them around to something else? I could spend my life bitter. Feeling sorry for myself. But...that's not me. I'm the resilient one. The persistent one. The persevering one. Life still has hope. Joy. Excitement. Adventure. I want all of that. I want to fly. Even if I might occasionally come crashing down. Resilient. Jesus is good. He never left. He never will. His love never fails me. That's something worth putting hope in. Being excited about. Joyfully celebrating. I choose to live life FULLY. | | |
| Remember that you have been saved so that the life of Jesus may be manifested in your body (see 2 Corinthians 4:10). Direct the total energy of your powers so that you may achieve everything your election as a child of God provides; rise every time to whatever occasion may come your way. You did not do anything to achieve your salvation, but you must do something to exhibit it. You must “work out your own salvation” which God has worked in you already (Philippians 2:12). Are your speech, your thinking, and your emotions evidence that you are working it “out”? If you are still the same miserable, grouchy person, set on having your own way, then it is a lie to say that God has saved and sanctified you. God is the Master Designer, and He allows adversities into your life to see if you can jump over them properly—”By my God I can leap over a wall” (Psalm 18:29). God will never shield you from the requirements of being His son or daughter. First Peter 4:12 says, “Beloved, do not think it strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened to you . . . .” Rise to the occasion—do what the trial demands of you. It does not matter how much it hurts as long as it gives God the opportunity to manifest the life of Jesus in your body. May God not find complaints in us anymore, but spiritual vitality—a readiness to face anything He brings our way. The only proper goal of life is that we manifest the Son of God; and when this occurs, all of our dictating of our demands to God disappears. Our Lord never dictated demands to His Father, and neither are we to make demands on God. We are here to submit to His will so that He may work through us what He wants. Once we realize this, He will make us broken bread and poured-out wine with which to feed and nourish others. | | |
| I spent most of my day today cleaning. And blaring Alanis Morisette as loud as the speakers would allow it. Alanis is a gem. Seriously. She's dark and twisty. And i get it. I get her stuff. Her artistry. I'm about to break a rule. I'm about to do something I said I wouldn't do anymore, and have really tried not to do anymore. So, if you're reading this...you know who you are...I apologize ahead of time. Consider this your escape plan if you want. Your spoiler alert. It'll only last a few sentences. Or...keep reading. I'm good either way. It all seems very unfair. You moving on, and me...stuck here. Unable to get past it. You seem just fine without me. And that's hard. Because I'm not even kind of just fine. I'm still fighting urges to get on a plane and show up. Uninvited. Unexpected. Still waiting. God knows what for. But I'm stuck. And you've moved on. And I'm finding that very difficult to deal with. Ok. Done with that. In honor of my day of Alanis... how bout getting off these antibiotics
how bout stopping eating when I'm full up
how bout them transparent dangling carrots
how bout that ever elusive kudo
thank you india
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence
how bout me not blaming you for everything
how bout me enjoying the moment for once
how bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
how bout grieving it all one at a time
thank you india
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence
the moment I let go of it was the moment
I got more than I could handle
the moment I jumped off of it
was the moment I touched down
how bout no longer being masochistic
how bout remembering your divinity
how bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
how bout not equating death with stopping
thank you india
thank you providence
thank you disillusionment
thank you nothingness
thank you clarity
thank you thank you silence
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| Perseverance means more than endurance— more than simply holding on until the end. A saint’s life is in the hands of God like a bow and arrow in the hands of an archer. God is aiming at something the saint cannot see, but our Lord continues to stretch and strain, and every once in a while the saint says, “I can’t take any more.” Yet God pays no attention; He goes on stretching until His purpose is in sight, and then He lets the arrow fly. Entrust yourself to God’s hands. Is there something in your life for which you need perseverance right now? Maintain your intimate relationship with Jesus Christ through the perseverance of faith. Proclaim as Job did, “Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him” (Job 13:15). Faith is not some weak and pitiful emotion, but is strong and vigorous confidence built on the fact that God is holy love. And even though you cannot see Him right now and cannot understand what He is doing, you know Him. Disaster occurs in your life when you lack the mental composure that comes from establishing yourself on the eternal truth that God is holy love. Faith is the supreme effort of your life— throwing yourself with abandon and total confidence upon God. God ventured His all in Jesus Christ to save us, and now He wants us to venture our all with total abandoned confidence in Him. There are areas in our lives where that faith has not worked in us as yet— places still untouched by the life of God. There were none of those places in Jesus Christ’s life, and there are to be none in ours. Jesus prayed, “This is eternal life, that they may know You . . .” (John 17:3). The real meaning of eternal life is a life that can face anything it has to face without wavering. If we will take this view, life will become one great romance— a glorious opportunity of seeing wonderful things all the time. God is disciplining us to get us into this central place of power. | | |
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