Some would agree with me that the best thoughts really do come in the earliest hours of the morning. Since I don't have internet at my house, this isn't actually being posted in the early hours of the morning, but is instead being copied from my journal at the library at hcc. I'm reminded of a song, well, a few lines from a song. "The questions run so deep when it's 2 in the morning. I should be lost in sleep, but in my mind I am sorting all the things that i can't explain. And why so many suffer in pain? Where's the answer?"

It was an eye opening weekend. To be honest, I went into it not really expecting much and came out of it with more than i could have imagined.

The past few months have been so trying. Sometimes, i would look at myself in the mirror and try to find me, or i'd close my eyes at night and search for the person i knew i was all the while trying to figure out who it was i left in my place.

I've been mad at God, mad ay myself, mad at those who seemed to have it all together while i sat in my own little world that seemed to be falling apart at the seems into shambles that i couldn't piece back together quick enough. My faith was miniscule. The idea of going to youth councils while i felt so lost didn't seem reassuring, but instead seemed exhausting. People cry at youth councils. And though I'm not much of a cryer, unless it comes to praise and worship, it's just what happens at youth councils. I didn't really know if i had the strength to keep on a happy face.

You see, the reason i'm not a cryer is because i'm really good at facades. I am a pro at making anyone believe I am ok. With the right amount of inflection and tone, "I'm Good" can sound convincing. Everyone would believe it. Everyone except for myself that is. And God.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that i'm not ok. i'm not "good!" In fact, i'm pretty broken. Weak. I have so much on my plate and feel overwhelmed by it all. Bills that are due, past due, or will soon be due that i don't know how i will pay for. People that I am afraid to dissapoint. I can't help but ask what am i doing wrong? Am i not tithing enough? Am I not praying enough? Am i not reading my bible the correct way? Am i not involved enough at the corps?

During the dance Bobby and Ed did on sunday morning, the Lord really spoke to me. That was me up there. Doing the whole run away from God thing and then asking where he was. I've been chaining myself down with all the worry, the doubt, the bitterness, refusing to just let go. In an economy where you don't know how many hours you'll be working or whether or not you'll even have a job come next week, it's difficult to just let go. Putting finances in the Lords hands and trusting that he can, will, and wants to provide is something i am struggling to do.

On saturday night, me and my wonderful roomate went to the altar and prayed. She reminded me to remember all the times before that God has provided for me and to trust in what i know he can do.

We sang amazing grace on sunday, and the power of the Holy Spirit was so strong. We didn't sing the last verse of the song, but it has recently come to my mind.

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow
The sun forbear to shine
But God, Who called me here below
Will be forever mine
Will be forever mine
You are forever mine

I'm broke as dirt. Yes. I'm scared, angry, anxious...but, i am beginning to trust. God is forever mine. He is always here. And, he never lets go.And that's something worth trusting. I don't know what the future holds, but i know that it's not to big for my God. I am my biggest obstacle when it comes to surrender. So, if i can just get out of my own way,then the Lord can work in me and through me.

I cry out for FREEDOM!!! For VICTORY!!! I cry out for willingness to surrender even the darkest, deepest, heaviest things i hold onto.

Lord, you must increase and I must decrease.